It's a great privilege to be educated for free and yet I feel a sense of dread
knowing I have to make my education
worth it as I am being educated with the people's tax money, poor people included.
But of course despite the worries, we have to continue on and ensure we do our best and not slack off.
Managing all this will take time, and I do hope I can pass every term even if my grades aren't high.
I should also not be afraid to contact the faculties for my concerns.
You know I should really stop thinking this way, I have already been called out by my family and a few friends on this.
When I received the email for my admission, everyone was elated and so was I, it was a good one day of feeling amazing that finally
my parents won't feel burdened financially just to educate their daughter. I am 21 and I felt so much shame before that email, not studying nor working
at the moment. I was feeling so many things at once, and none of them are close to positive about all of this.
I am ever grateful that the university found me worthy of this scholarship, maybe I truly have underestimated myself.
I knew back in my previous school I was quite determined to do my best.
But now I don't feel that desire for some reason. I don't feel the desire to be the best anymore
I don't feel the desire to prove myself, however I do desire not to fall into old ways of thinking that will only drag me down.
Often times the spiraling thoughts are just very near, I'm getting better but I always still feel like I'm on tipping point to the thoughts.
Its a struggle, I am not that person anymore and I don't want to go back.
Its exhausting and I just wish I could believe in myself.
Maybe I need to embrace this part of me that's often anxious, but I don't know where to start.
But I reflected for a moment at the thought and remembered what I told myself before
"It's ok that I feel awful right now, its ok that I don't feel like it,"

Just finished my first day of school in open uni
it's quite the experience I must say, compared to my previous first day
experiences with other institutions this was the most peaceful opening, I had
the assistant professors laid out their material through the portal and
that's it, that's the material.

I spent the whole day doing the first module of just one subject, I was
slightly overwhelmed, burying my head into my palms from the patience of
going through these segments slipping over me, every section was a form
of active learning, knowing there isn't a prof for me to rely on
it's quite lonely.
And yet, I also can't help but feel at peace just being able to set my mind to the work
with less distractions. Yes I'm uninterrupted but this time
I have to deal with a load of schoolwork

There's also that intimidating feeling where I'll be doing
so much of this reading for the next 3 months its gonna boggle my brain,
man, so much worries. I bet most of my peers feel that way too.
Good for ya'll who can still manage at this point.

Anyway, I'll just do my best at it. Even if it's tough.
The topic I studied was about Information Technology.
To sum up one day of studying its the basic overview of how
a Computer works and its history.
I love history so it wasn't difficult for me to read through the segments
though I have to prep for those studies where it will all be technicalities
and parts and jimble jabble of it all.
I hope I can make these topics interesting for me.

The Main goal now is to ensure I get most of my stuff done before it piles up
seeing a pile of unfinished works kinda scares me, and God forbid I pass late
I hope that I won't miss out too much on this.
My life as a college student has begun, and I hope I have a meaningful experience.

I know its the first day but I'm already thinking about my thesis specialization, I
hope they accept artistic outputs, I would love to make a thesis on that.

And what about work? Well alongside college my adult life also began, I wonder
what jobs I shall take? How will I develop my time management skills as the
days go by?
I wonder what kind of life I will make for myself outside college?
Oh well, let's see..
Good luck and Godspeed to me!

I'm pretty sure as this blog progresses, you will see me going mad lmao
well, three days into college and we are already as overwhelmed as ever, I intend to
do my readings before bed which I don't know if its a good idea to do so.
Time ticks so quickly when I'm not doing my studies
I could feel the analogous shifting of time flowing around me.

Tomorrow I intend to visit my friends in APC, maybe I hope, for the reasons to eat
lunch but........I honestly feel tired thinking about it.
I do want a good noodle lunch for tomorrow, and...
I do hope that I can still hangout with them one day.

But with all these studies and things to think about I
feel like there's barely any time for me to keep up.
And the FIC weren't wrong when they said its all about fighting.

I remembered my time applying for UPD, going through multiple processes only to not get in.
I remember the whole month of may being all about working hard, studying hard, focusing
on my craft, a feat which I never imagined I could do.
And now, studying by myself, pushing myself as hard as I can, reminds me of those days.
Those days slumped over my desk, going over radio taiso,
following a schedule, diligently studying figure drawings, understanding shading and rendering
techniques, building the portfolio...
man...

I admit it feels pretty upsetting on my end that, I work so hard for UPD
only to not get in and be in a campus unrelated to that hellish grind I've
dedicated myself to for am month and a half.

Then again, I am grateful I got in either way.
And if going here means I get to be a person who is able to coherently speak
my mind about the things that matter to me, then I'll keep that in mind.
I am also aimless, honestly, I really am.
And UPOU has given me that reason to keep going and keep doing better.
I don't know what will happen once I finish my time here.